On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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