I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
