Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
