My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
