I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
