She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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