There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
