Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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