omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
