I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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