listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
