I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
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sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
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i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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