Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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