Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm always down for nudity.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
