The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
