I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
