that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
