wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and she was petting her beer can
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Randomize
