cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
