Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
