I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's just like the Real World with babies
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
