Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I woke up under a house in Key West
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