I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
