Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
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I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
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YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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