god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my shit smells like andre
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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