Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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