so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
