the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
