haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
