Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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