I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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