Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
