I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
