Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
barbara walters just said penis...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
