I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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