if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I showed him my bush... on skype.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
