you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
