You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
