I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
