Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
