just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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