He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
