But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
