I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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