he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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