Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
