Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
he just fucked me for my cheese.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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