why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
