we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
