Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
