i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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