Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(732): View more from New Jersey

note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better

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(858): View more from California

Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking

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(702): View more from Nevada

Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?

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(815): View more from Illinois

My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?

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(607): View more from New York

I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno

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