I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
