I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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