so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
