hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
