He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
