You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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